PACE: every listening session is different and moves at its own pace
Stay present with yourself.
Stay present with the other person.
What’s real in this moment?
How does your body feel?
Face towards one another.
Are you saying what’s real, or what you think the other person wants to hear?
Give someone a chance to increase their awareness (express what you experience).
Own your agenda. If you're asking a leading question to get someone to a specific conclusion, own that, name it.
As a Listener: notice if you are doing or not doing something because you think that’s what the speaker wants. If so, own that, and ask, “what would you like from this experience?”
Follow your thread of curiosity, not assumption. When listening to someone you are helping the other person on their own journey.
Stay with your own curiosity.
NOT trying to change how they feel!
Open and expansive mentality, not judging or critical.
You are here to be with someone, not to fix or advise them.
Empathy and agreement are not the same thing. Explore how can you show up for someone with empathy even when you do not agree with everything they say.
Deep Listening is meant to encourage respect and understanding. The below techniques can help the Speaker feel comfortable, draw them out, and show that you understand.
A Conversation Opener: "What is big for you right now?"
No Unsolicited Advice Giving: The point of deep listening is NOT to solve any problem/s. It pulls the speaker out of their own experience. Notice, when is someone giving advice VS. asking questions out of curiosity? The only time to give advice is if someone asks for it, or if you ask permission to give it!
Share the "No Unsolicited Advice Giving" tip with the speaker: Ask them to let you know if you slip into giving unsolicited advice as a Listener! They can say something such as "I noticed what you said felt like advice to me. Could you share a question or curiosity that you have instead?"
Restating: Every so often, paraphrase what the Speaker said. You're trying to understand their world.
No Context Needed: Let the speaker know that they can dive in wherever they are in an experience. Speakers often want to share a lot of context so that the listener will have the full story... remind them that they don't have to catch you up or provide details beyond what feels meaningful for them in this moment to express.
Ask questions to draw the Speaker out or go deeper.
Ask clarifying questions.
Ask about the other person's emotions rather than the story or narrative.
What and How questions are more effective than questions that start with Why.
Provide Feedback: Share related experiences, but be careful not to slip into advice.
Give Verbal Cues: Small verbal cues show that you are listening; such as “mm hmm, I see, I understand."